I assumed that the emergency was probably something like the death of an grandparent or maybe a close family friend. Or perhaps a worsening of a sick relative's condition or something. However, when I went into my conference today I asked Dr. Roberts about my professor's emergency and if everything was ok. He said that unfortunately my professor had come home Thursday of last week to her husband face down on his keyboard, unconscious. He was rushed to the hospital where he passed away a day or two later. The doctors think it may have been a heart attack, but Dr. Roberts offered no conclusive explanation.
Needless to say, I was absolutely horrified. This poor woman cannot be a day over 40, if that. Maybe mid-thirties. And her husband is dead. Just like that. I continued the conference in a haze, not really paying a whole lot of attention to the material at hand. I walked in a kind of stupor to my car. I'm not entirely sure why this news affected me so drastically. I mean I hardly know my professor on an academic level, let alone on a personal level. I admire her and respect her greatly as a colleague and a professor. But there has to be a good reason why the death of near-stranger's husband made me feel this way...
One of the first thoughts I had on the way to my car was "Gran lost Papa at a young age. Young, as far as losing a spouse. Not as young as my professor, but still too young." Then I thought about my own mom. What if she lost Dad right now, out of nowhere? What would happen to us? To my brothers? I'm not sure if my professor has children. I don't think she does, but I don't know for certain. Then I thought about myself, perhaps selfishly, considering another woman was grieving the reality of losing her husband. I was imagining losing the man who is as good as my husband. I thought about how my life would change if I lost Jaime. It's not like the thought hadn't ever crossed my mind. I think anyone in a long term relationship thinks about losing their spouse at least once. But usually one thinks about that in a kind of whimsical, "that could never happen" kind of way.
Perhaps I feel so affected because of the suddenness of the news, or maybe because it happened to someone I was more or less acquainted with. Maybe it's because I can identify with my professor on a different level. She's an older woman (middle aged at least) with a doctorate and a university teaching position. I look up to her. Having a female role model in the field of history is important for an aspiring female historian. I'm not trying to pretend that I even remotely understand what she is going through right now. But perhaps I see in her what could possibly be in store for me in the future, as far as a career and a lifestyle.
I know everyone (well not everyone I suppose) says "God has a plan" or "God's ways are beyond our understanding" but sometimes I don't know if I buy that. I believe in... well, something I suppose, but sometimes the ways of the world are beyond me. Sometimes it's difficult for me to just chalk it up to God's will and move on. Not sometimes, a lot of the time. Maybe my education is finally taking a hold over my faith. I've tried to stave it off for as long as possible. My faith isn't gone or anything. It's just... different I guess. A different kind of faith. I wonder if my professor believes in God? And if she does, is that helping her right now? If she doesn't, is she worse or better off? Well whatever she believes I hope it helps her get through this difficult time.
She'll be back to work after Spring Break. Dr. Roberts and a lot of her friends told her the best way to cope emotionally is to go back to work as soon as possible; not to dwell on it. Maybe that's true. I hope it is for her sake.
